Eating babies solves much

A Modest Proposal for the Modern American: Eat the Babies 

By Someone Who’s Definitely Not Serious (but deadly serious) 

Satire Warning: The following is a work of political parody in the spirit of Jonathan Swift. It is not meant to be taken literally but to highlight the inhumanity of current immigration and political policies through dark, exaggerated humor. 

My days have been hectic lately. As I claw my way toward influence in the halls of power, I have noticed something: my boss thrives on cruelty. Nothing makes him seem more like a “very stable genius” than when suffering immigrants dominate the headlines. The harsher the policy, the higher the approval — at least for now. 

So, I went digging through the internet’s oldest tweet thread — a 1729 gem from a guy named Jonathan Swift, who had some bold ideas about handling the Irish “problem.” His modest proposal? Eat their babies. 

You have got to admit it is extreme, it is efficient, and it sends a clear message to would-be immigrants — stay out. Why build a wall when you can just cook the children? 

We could even borrow Swift’s trade model. Just imagine the economic upside: the elites get gourmet party snacks, the poor get a revenue stream, and the government gets a public health campaign that doubles as population control. 

“Love the one you eat” — it’s catchy, right? 

 The Upside of Dehumanization 

Swift’s original scheme was progressive in its own way. Fewer mouths to feed, fewer abortions (after all, children now have value!), and domestic abuse would plummet since husbands would not want to bruise the merchandise. 

And do not forget the entrepreneurial potential: 

• Baby-skin handbags 

• Purses for the politically powerful 

• Organic toddler jerky for keto billionaires 

We could even sell child futures on Wall Street. Perhaps a special white-meat market? 

 Political Bonus Points 

Of course, this kind of proposal would go over big with: 

• Evangelicals (Swift was a clergyman, after all) 

• Free-market capitalists 

• Authoritarian fantasists 

• Pedophile billionaires in search of artisanal skin products 

With a single tweet from Junior — or maybe a Truth Social repost from a certain president — this could go viral. Forget red meat for the base. This is full-on, slow-roasted, farm-to-table flesh. 

And best of all, by the time anyone realizes it is a war crime, the statute of limitations will have expired — or the pardon will be waiting in the safe. 

 Just Kidding… Or Am I? 

If you are offended, good. You should be. 

The point here is not to literally eat babies, obviously. The point is that our society’s policies are so dehumanizing, so indifferent to suffering, so wrapped in hypocrisy and capitalist opportunism, that this Swiftian nightmare starts to feel… plausible. 

We separate families. Cage children. Strip human beings of dignity. And then we pat ourselves on the back and call it security. 

So no, I am not proposing we eat babies. 
But if we keep heading down this road, I’m not sure we will not stomach worse.